he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
