I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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