I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
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