apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
