You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
