You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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