This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
