apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
