Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
