every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
