The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
