I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Floor bacon is actually really good
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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