he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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