My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
