Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
