Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
