My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
