Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Floor bacon is actually really good
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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