What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
