If that was your dad, he is hot
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just gift wrapped bread.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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