ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He has the fingertips of a God
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
