I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
My Sexting was not on an AP level
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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