We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
How naked do you want me to be?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
