I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
