If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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