3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
