Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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