I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
