Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
