Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
