my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
