I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
