Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
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