I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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