That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Randomize
