dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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