Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
