He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
