dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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