i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
