My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
