quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
