no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
