I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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