I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Just invented taco cereal.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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