Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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