just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Bring me that man meat
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
