Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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