I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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