i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
